My Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Vacation

By Patrick Tedder

As I may have mentioned dear readers … I’m on the job hunt! So, if you have any recommendations, or would like to just give me lots of money, please reach out. Seriously. With this in mind, I bring you my latest piece which was a writing prompt for an interview that may have gone well enough but felt disastrous. It’s based in mild truth.

If you’ve ever thought about vacationing in Iowa … reconsider. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are lovely areas hidden amongst the corn, but when I was there last summer, try as I might, I simply couldn’t find them.

Did I mention that I’m not a big fan of corn? I officially declare this as one of the first reasons that I hated my vacation. The minute our plane’s wheels touched the ground, it was everywhere! They even had plush versions of the stuff in the airport gift shop. It was an ominous start.

Next, I should probably mention that the state is dangerous in the summer time. With so much flat land, it doesn’t take much for tornadoes to ravish communities. I don’t recall a night I was there where a potentially dangerous storm didn’t brew in the early evening. I could take every kernel in the state and still not be able to build a fort strong enough to make me feel safe from the elements.

We’re just getting started. I haven’t even told you about the heart disease yet. Yes, I love butter as much as the next American, but I also don’t want to die of my heart exploding. It got to the point where I could have sworn that I was being asked if I wanted some corn with my butter. The creamy concoction was on and in every dish. With every bite at dinner, I could feel an extra pound of fat taunting me to work it off at the gym when I got home.

Do you like antiques? So does my grandmother! I appear to not have reached that age yet where I find the prospect of buying really old stuff to be fascinating. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the novelty of past relics – I simply don’t have any use for them. Don’t tell the fine people of Iowa that though. Of the small shops downtown, four out of five of them sold antiques. At least I could look at my bank account balance when I got home and be happy.

In the event you haven’t been counting, I’ve listed four reasons thus far why I wasn’t a fan of my vacation in Iowa. It’s time for the grand reveal. Aside from all of the things that could potentially kill you … you’re most likely to die of boredom. By the end of the first day, I had a brilliant thought; why exactly had I gone to Iowa for vacation? I don’t like going to sleep when the sun sets and rocking chairs don’t exactly thrill me for hours. I’d dare say the very lack of things to do, almost made it difficult to come up with five reasons that I didn’t have a good time.

And so dear readers, the moral of the story is, find a good deal on plane tickets to Hawaii.